dear lil j: i miss you like crazy when we're not together

Dear Lil J,

So we're two months into school and last Thursday you finally came home and declared that you had fun at school.  Mind you, it was Halloween and pretty much every kid has fun at school on Halloween, but the fact that you actually said something different from the usual "I didn't have fun at school" gist, I was taken aback.  And maybe secretly smiling to myself.  After all, it took you exactly two months last year to say you were having fun at school.  And you're finally "having fun" at school...maybe.

I suspect that you may have a slight problem with authority.  It's quite possible since you're at the age where you're trying to test everything and everyone.  I'm planning to talk with your teachers during my two weeks off {starting next week} to make sure everything is going okay at school.  You know, just in case.

Have I told you lately what an amazing big brother you are?  I try to tell you every day and I'm going to tell you again:  you're an amazing big brother to your baby ZoZo.  In fact, you call her "my baby" as if she's yours and only yours.  You love to "protect" her and help her anytime she needs you.  You like to share your food and toys with her but sometimes sharing can also be a challenge.  You don't fight much with you little sister but you sure like to get under the skin of your older sister {and vise versa}.  Sometimes it's a battle and I tell myself that you're just going through another "stage", and that it'll see itself through eventually.  I know it will.

back to work: trying not to lose focus

I just finished my fourth week of work since returning from maternity leave and it doesn't really feel like it's getting any easier.  I'm more sleep deprived than ever {think newborn days} and I have even more on my plate than I did while I was off for a year.  Not that I'm complaining about the other work, it's just that some of the work feels daunting and as if it's taking me away from spending valuable time with the ones I love.

I guess I never though I'd become one of those moms.  I thought I'd enjoy working full-time and coming home to a house full of kids ready for dinner and bedtimes.  I thought I'd love to continue having the paycheque I've become accustomed to over the last few years.  I didn't think I'd feel this guilty.  In fact, I was fine when I returned to work after Lil J.  So what happened?

Doing the school runs every day happened.  Spending days at the parks, the playgrounds and the beaches happened.  Bonding with my kids happened.  Cuddles, hugs, kisses and leisure time happened.  Playdates and catch-up dates with old and new friends happened.  This blog happened.

Lots of things happened.

the art of waking a teenager up {Help YOP Help You Blogger Campaign} #YOP

Every year when August rolls around, it feels a little bittersweet.  It means summer is halfway over and the kids are gearing up to go back to school.  It also means the anticipation {or dreading} the early morning wake-up calls.

With Miss S now a teenager and entering her first year of high school in September, trust me, I've had my share of different stages and reactions to being woken up in the morning throughout the years.  When I first met her, she was five and eager to get out of bed in the mornings.  I only had to wake her up once and she would jump out of bed the next second.  Wow, I would think to myself, this parenting gig is actually pretty easy!

And then she turned six, seven and eight.  Things were relatively easy - mostly because I worked during the week and my husband would handle the morning routine.

Then around nine or ten I started to notice a slight change.  She couldn't get out of bed right away and wanted to sleep in as long as possible.  Oh, how I remember those days!  Those days where I could just lay in my bed, cuddled up in between my sheets and not have a care in the world.  Those days where a four year old doesn't insist on rolling on top of you or kicking you in the face to wake you up while he continues to {miraculously!} sleep.  Those days where a one year old doesn't start screaming at the top of her lungs for you to wake up {right that second!} and pick her up from her crib.

How I would love to trade places with Miss S some days.

back to work: easing into early mornings and long days

Last week.

What was last week again?  It all seems like such a blur.

Monday was fine.  It was my last day of maternity leave and I spent it relaxing with the kids at Granville Island.  Hubby even came and met us after lunch, and we sent a blissful afternoon in the Vancouver sunshine.  Work was far from my mind but it was definitely there.

{That "work" thing was like a three year old kid standing in front of you repeating the same thing over and over and over.  I wanted that little voice in my mind to shut up and go away.  It didn't happen.}.

Selfies at Granville Island

Then came Tuesday.  I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.  My new wake-up call started at 5:30am with my phone alarm and then my alarm clock blaring in unison.  Five minutes later, I finally woke up and hit snooze.  Ten minutes, 25 emails {half of them junk} and a quick check of my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts, I dragged myself out of bed.

the freakin' fours - figuring out how to deal

With the twos come the terrible twos, the threes are the testing threes and the fours?  So far that seems like it's in a whole other league.

I can't explain it. The minute Lil J turned four, everything was fine and dandy. Nothing exciting happened drastically in terms of personality. In fact, he may have been acting a little more mature - because apparently that's what four does to you. 

And then. And then came a week later. It hit us completely out of the blue and we were so confused.  We were so not prepared.

While shopping at our local mall after Lil J's weekly gymnastics class, we went to the Lego Store and then let him run around in a kids play area.  When it was time to leave, he asked to see the mechanical ride-on horses, dogs and cars and just kept whining.  Hubby got annoyed and thought he was asking to go back to the Lego Store so he told Lil J that we were leaving.

Then all hell broke loose.

Like a loose cannon out of hell.

schoolyard bullies - how do you educate your kids?

The sun has been shining in Vancouver all week and we've been enjoying every minute of it!  Today, I took the kids, plus their cousin, to a playground at a local elementary school to do a special project for Father's Day {will post details soon!}.

After we were done taking our project pictures, the kids played on the playground while I checked my emails.  Next thing I hear is Miss S calling me and whispering that some kid was swearing at their cousin {later on she told me he was swearing at both their cousin and Lil J.  I'm actually glad I didn't know that because I may have lost my shit}.  Then I hear the forbidden "F" word directed towards their cousin.  What?  Seriously?

I quickly walked over to the boys, stared down the two older boys that were causing trouble and said in my sternest voice,  "Watch your language".  They both looked at me and continued playing.  A minute later, the "bully" started saying stuff to Lil J's cousin again.  When the cousin didn't defend himself, Lil J turned around and called the bully a "poo-poo head".  That's some pretty choice words for a 3 1/2 year old!

update on lil j and baby z

This post is an example of a case of "mom brain" as I had written it about three months ago but forgot to post it:



It seems these days my blog has taken a different turn and gone off track to what it was originally intended to be - a diary of sorts for myself  to remember my kids' milestones and for my kids to look back on one day and figure out what the heck Mommy was doing all those years.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm loving the attention and I love seeing PR pitches in my inbox, although some are not carefully thought out or properly pitched.  Exhibit A - I do not need boob mugs for anyone in my family, joke or not.

All PR jargons aside, I figure a post about the kids is past due.  So here it goes...

Baby Z is already eight months old!  Wow, I totally meant to do a post when she turned six months - ooops!  She's started solid foods and loves rice cereal and pretty much anything I give her.  I don't know what it is about the second child but sometimes I forget to feed her...?  The solids I mean, not the boob.  She's also had carrots {which she's sort of undecided on}, bananas, butternut squash and some random pre-made organic baby food.  I wish I had took a video of her expression when she first tasted the bananas {priceless!} but needless to say, she hated it.

"you need friends mama"

"You need friends Mama"

That was a direct quote from none other than Lil J.  We were lying down in bed a couple nights ago saying our goodnights after a candid read of "Green Eggs and Ham" and that sputtered out of his mouth.  Really?  You think Mommy has no friends?  Hehe.

All I could do was laugh!

Now I know how my almost four year old sees me.  To him, I'm probably just a butt-wiper, tantrum-tamer, chauffeur-driver, food-maker, bath-giver, bedtime story-teller, crazy person that talks like a drill sergeant all day long.  And while he's at preschool, I just go home and hang with the baby.

{Well, that's kind of true!}

But believe it or not, my son, I do have some friends.  We see each other every now and then - sometimes when you're at preschool.  We catch up on our lives, gossip and other female things that probably won't interest you {ever}.  We trade parenting stories wondering if we're ever going to get it right and we don't see each other as often as we like because life has gotten so busy.

So you see, my son, I do have a life.  And that life is you and your baby sister.  You are both my life.

And I do, occasionally, have friends.

{Hehe!}

excuses, excuses: a bedtime saga

Every night feels like the same routine over and over again.  It repeats itself almost to the tee - like I can predict exactly what's going to happen next.

What am I talking about, you ask?  Bedtime.  That one, seven-letter word.  This word could be the death of us all parents as we know it.  It is the one word that makes me cringe, the one word that makes me wish I could fast track time.

It begins with Lil J uttering every excuse in the book:

"I'm hungry."

"I can't sleep."

"They're talking too loud out there and I can't sleep."

"I can't close my eyes."  Really?

"I can't sleep."

He even says "I can't sleep" in his sleep {it literally happened ten minutes ago - true story!}.

And if that isn't enough, the boy won't sleep unless Mommy is in bed with him until he drifts off to dreamland.  Yes, it's a horrible habit and an even harder habit to break out of.  Basically, hubby will look after Baby Z {if she's awake} while I put the little man to bed or Baby Z will already be sleeping in our room while I put Lil J to bed in our bed {at which point he'll eventually wake Baby Z up and then hubby will have to look after her anyways}.

Yup.  Bedtimes are basically a gong show disaster every single night.

And then this happens:

When I look at these {sleeping} faces, I ask myself how I could have been so mad...so frustrated...if only a few minutes ago.  It's so calm and serene...

...and it only lasts a minute.

Baby Z is up again, screaming screeching at the top of her lungs.  That girl sure knows how to belt out the high notes, especially late at night.

Lil J eventually starts tossing and turning {and may scream out a few times, hence, waking Baby Z up again} and talking randomly in his sleep.

Daddy G and I look at each other like why the f*@k do we let these kids sleep in our bedroom?  Ummm, this is why:

Yes, bedtimes are difficult right now but in a few years we'll be wishing we could relive these moments.  We'll be wishing our kids weren't so old and would still want to cuddle with us.  Instead of complaining about lost sleep and being frustrated that my kids won't fall asleep, I should be living in this moment - right here, right now.  Because I will never get these moments back.

Now I just have to work on getting the kiddos in their own bedrooms...

What kind of excuses do your kids like using to avoid the inevitable their bedtimes?

pay it forward: a lesson learned

When I think about how I'm raising my children, I often daydream about the type of person they'll become. Will they share the same values as my husband and I?   Will they be respectful, courteous, confident and intelligent?  There must be a million of other questions running through my head at any given time - and only time will tell.

This evening I was rushing off to a blogger event with my two kids in tow and, as I was feeding the meter, Lil J asked me who "that guy" was.  I looked to my side and saw a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk a couple cars down from us.  I quickly scanned my mom brain to figure out the best possible response for a three and a half year old but figured there was no better response than, well, the truth.  I ended up telling Lil J that the man didn't have a home and that he was probably hungry. Meanwhile, Lil J's new "friend" was busy joking around with Lil J and making faces to Lil J's amusement.

Lately Lil J has been showing even more maturity in his understanding of certain situations, so I asked him if he would like to give the homeless man his favourite - and most prized possession - "blue package".  For all you outsiders, the infamous "blue package" is actually a code name for a package of Welch's Fruit Snacks {found at your local Costco}.  Lil J wanted to give it to the man himself, so I ignored the voice in my head and let him.  I wanted Lil J to experience the gift of giving - especially to someone perhaps less fortunate.  I want him to one day understand that we are very fortunate to have what we have and that there are people that don't have everything that we're used to in our everyday lives.

Of course, that nagging mom voice in the back of my head was yelling "what if?"...what if the homeless man attacks Lil J...and, of course, the homeless man was completely harmless, if not thankful.

When we got home, Lil J asked me about the "other guy".  What other guy, I asked.  The other guy, give the other guy a blue package, he answered.  And in that moment I knew he understood what I was trying to teach him.

Empathy.  Compassion.  Thoughtfulness.

The "other guy" was another homeless man who had stopped to talk to Lil J's new "friend" for a brief second and went off his merry way.  And Lil J saw him too.

if another mother yelled at your child, what would you do?

I took the kids to our local Gymboree today and while I was inquiring about birthday party packages, I hear Lil J say in a stern voice, "NO!  That's MY baby!".  I turned around to hear another mother start to chastise my kid in a rude tone {and borderline yelling}, "I know but you almost knocked her down!".  Usually I'm pretty quick with comebacks and am surprised that I just stood there silently while the mother turned around and continued to yell at her own two boys {all while Lil J probably give her the death stare, I'm sure}.  I'm going to blame this cold that knocked me out of my socks last night and is making me feeling like sh*t today.  Pretty much looked and felt like a zombie from The Night of the Living Dead all damn day.  So much so that after she left, I completely forgot about the incident and watched Lil J and Baby Z entertain themselves and each other in the little Gymboree gym.

I mean, this smile would make anyone happy:

And this kid is such a charmer, I can hardly stay mad at him for any long period of time:

We had a grand 'ol time at Gymboree and came home without any incidents.  It wasn't until I was laying in bed with Lil J tonight, waiting for him to fall asleep, that I started thinking about that woman and how she talked my son.  A complete stranger's child.

I'm guessing - and only guessing, since my back was turned - that Lil J had gotten a little too excited with Baby Z and was touching her car seat, which I had put on a couch/chair {it was secure}.  The woman may have touched the car seat to make sure it didn't fall and Lil J went into instant defense mode, understandably so.  Did that warrant such a rude tone from the woman to my son?  It was as if she was offended by Lil J's comment - as if it had come from an adult.  I also noticed that she was in a full-on rage with her own two sons the second I walked through the door.  Maybe Lil J's comment just pushed her over the edge.  A comment from a 3 1/2 year old.  A comment from an overprotective big brother watching over his little sister.  This is almost making me laugh thinking about it.

And to think I smiled at her when we first walked into the gym {and all I got was a blank stare}.

What would you have said if someone talked to your child in a rude manner, when your child didn't do anything to warrant it?  Should an adult ever talk to a young child this way?

the mother and stepmother i strive to be

Last year after our blog was recognized as one of the Top 30 Vancouver Mom Bloggers of 2012 by Vancouvermom.ca, I never would have imagined that this humbling recognition would have connected me to such a diverse group of inspirational, outspoken, smart and intelligent women - who all continue to help support me through my blogging journey.  The relationships that have blossomed out of this very small, but powerful, group has given me new-found faith that we, as women, can pass along these positive values to our own kids.

When I think about the kind of mother I want to be for my children, I find myself looking at the real people in my life - the ones with the positive attitudes, values and influences.  The ones that don't judge and the ones who enjoy life.  The ones that display compassion and the ones that aren't afraid to right a wrong.  I look at these combined attributes and try to incorporate them into my parenting style, so that I can leave a lasting impression on my children.

My babies - Lil J & Baby Z

Our modern family

My family dynamic is a little different and unconventional than your traditional family - in fact, it could probably be classified as a modern family.  I have a 3 1/2 year old son and an 8 month old daughter, as well as an almost 13 year old step-daughter who lives with us full-time.  The age differences and the fact that I'm a step-mom definitely makes for an interesting home, which is why I've decided to split up my post into "The Mother I Strive To Be" and "The Stepmother I Strive To Be":

The Mother I Strive To Be

1. I hope to be patient with my kids, but not too patient so that they'll walk all over me.
2. I want my kids to be able to make their own decisions, but also feel like they can come to me when they need answers.
3. I want to teach my kids to enjoy life, to not take everything so seriously and to be spontaneous.  I also want them to know when to be grounded, when to take things seriously and when to think before they act.
4. I hope to teach them how to be respectful and use their proper manners.  Thanks to my son, I see now that kids are prone to repeat words, phrases and sentences that they hear in their everyday lives - pretty much anything that comes out of Mommy or Daddy's mouths.  I now realize that I really have to watch what I say and try to practice what I preach.
5. I want to be a mother first and a friend second.  I am not your best friend, but a friend that you can talk to when you need to.  Don't get that twisted.  I'm still your mom.

The Stepmother I Strive To Be

1. Although I am not her birth mother, I hope that my step-daughter will look up to me as a parenting figure in her life.  
2. I hope to set a good example of a strong woman, so that she will one day be one herself.
3. I hope that she will continue to respect me throughout her teenage years {give me strength!} and feel comfortable enough to come to me when she needs me.
4. I don't ever want to overshadow her own mother.  I am there to help guide her through life and to give her stability.
5. I hope that she feels that I don't ever treat her any different than I treat my own children.  There's a fine line between motherhood and step-motherhood, and although at times it can be difficult for myself to distinguish that line, I don't want her to ever feel left out.  We are a family unit and we're totally in it together.

What kind of mother do you strive to be?



Don't forget to check out the posts from ten of Vancouver's top mom bloggers and see what kind of mother they strive to be:

Tuesday, Jan 22 – Tairalyn from Little Miss Mama
Wednesday, Jan 23 – Melissa from The Thirites Grind
Thursday, Jan 24 – Amy from The Connection We Share
Friday, Jan 25 – Julie from JulieNowell.com

Monday, Jan 28 – Eschelle from Mumfection

Tuesday, Jan 29 – Taslim from Let ME out!!

Wednesday, Jan 30 – Katie from World by Smith

Thursday, Jan 31 – Lori from The Write Mama

Friday, Feb 1 – Kristina from SwankMama

Monday, Feb 4 – Brandee from One Crazy Kid

Tuesday, Feb 5 – Jessica from North Shore Mama

balance....and surviving everyday life

Balance.  One word that I am trying to make sense of, trying to incorporate it into our daily lives.  Do I get lost in the chaos and completely forget how to balance my day?  Yup, every single bleep*ng day!

By the time I've fed baby for the 1,000th time, I realize it's already getting dark out and I haven't even fed Lil J dinner or given him a bath.  Seeing that it's currently summertime, that's bad.  What do I do?  Instruct the hubby to get his a** into gear and do it himself since I'm still either {a} trying to put baby to sleep again, or {b} baby is busy sucking away....again.  Or wait....{c} I'm writing this blog post.  Guilty!

How do we do it all?  I'm not even back to work yet and I'm still having trouble keeping the house in order.  Everything is a complete disaster all the time.  Laundry, toys, meals {breakfast, lunch and dinner}, toys, potty time, gymnastics, toys, potty time, bath time, nap time {non-existent}, bedtime {always a struggle}, toys............sound familiar?  My walls are still white and covered in random pictures that my husband likes to hang up.  Our kitchen table is constantly covered in a mound of crap {newspapers, junk mail and just plain crap}.  Our living room currently looks like a toy factory and our bedrooms......well let's not go there.

So someone please tell me how you balance your life.  I'm drowning in complete and utter helplessness here {and maybe part denial?}.  What helps you stay sane in your daily life and how do you keep everything in order?

raising our kids right...

An incident occurred while I was in the McDonald's lineup (yes, I'm guilty!) a few minutes ago and it struck me as completely ignorant.  A guy (I definitely cannot call him a gentleman) in his early 20's made a stink about a woman in her 90's because he thought she was trying to budge in line, in front of him.  I just stood there in awe and wondered why he couldn't have just let her in front of him.  She was frail looking but able to walk on her own.  Do people have no shame?

I realize now that I should have spoken up and said something.  I've seen elderly people sometimes use their age as an advantage from time to time and that sometimes ticks me off but if they're nice about it, I will give them a pass.  Even if they're not nice, I probably would too.  But this guy had some nerve to say, 'Well, I was next but she budged in front of me', and then proceed to order his food instead of just letting the poor woman go in front of him.  His chivalry completely died?

The reason this affected me so much is that I think about Lil J when he's that old.  Would he do the same thing?  Would he have let the old woman go ahead of him?  I would hope the answer would be the latter.  If not, I would feel I had failed him as a mother.  My husband and I want to raise him the 'old school' way so that he understands to respect his elders, opens doors for girls and women (and hopefully stands up when a woman enters the door - but that's probably pushing it), offers a seat for women and his elders, etc., etc.  I don't want him to fall into the cracks of his generation.  I see a lot of parents demonstrating a more relaxed approach with their kids and half the time they have no control over their kids.  Not to say my husband and I are super strict (we have been told we are super relaxed!) but we do have control over our kids so far.  Lil J is always testing us but as long as you 'nip it in the butt' right away, kids will learn right from wrong.

Of course, these are just my opinions and views on how we're trying to raise Lil J and Miss S and I'm not trying to say that everyone should raise their kids that way.  I just hope my kids don't turn out like that 20-something guy in the McDonald's line....

too strict?

Yesterday was my mother-in-law's birthday and we celebrated late last night (I'm talking 10:00pm).  By the time we brought the cake out, it was 10:30pm and Miss S wanted a piece.  Seeing that it was school the next day and the fact that sugar does not agree with her (she gets super hyper), I refused to let her have any and told her to bring a piece home for the next day.  I was pretty exhausted last night and not thinking straight and I just wanted to crawl into my bed.

My hubby wasn't home at the time - he was busy picking up his cousin from the airport.  When he got home, he asked Miss S if she had any cake (by this time it was midnight) and she said no.  He turned to me and demanded to know why I didn't let her have cake.  'It was a birthday!', he said.  Immediately, I felt horrible and apologized but explained that it was really late and that she would be up all night.  I think he was pretty mad at me.  Either that or I was nagging him too much with my own demands.

So tell me, am I too strict?  Should I just have let the 'no sweets' after 8:00pm rule slide for one night?  (To my credit, I did let the bedtime slide, by a landslide!).

- swank|mama