dear lil j: i miss you like crazy when we're not together

Dear Lil J,

So we're two months into school and last Thursday you finally came home and declared that you had fun at school.  Mind you, it was Halloween and pretty much every kid has fun at school on Halloween, but the fact that you actually said something different from the usual "I didn't have fun at school" gist, I was taken aback.  And maybe secretly smiling to myself.  After all, it took you exactly two months last year to say you were having fun at school.  And you're finally "having fun" at school...maybe.

I suspect that you may have a slight problem with authority.  It's quite possible since you're at the age where you're trying to test everything and everyone.  I'm planning to talk with your teachers during my two weeks off {starting next week} to make sure everything is going okay at school.  You know, just in case.

Have I told you lately what an amazing big brother you are?  I try to tell you every day and I'm going to tell you again:  you're an amazing big brother to your baby ZoZo.  In fact, you call her "my baby" as if she's yours and only yours.  You love to "protect" her and help her anytime she needs you.  You like to share your food and toys with her but sometimes sharing can also be a challenge.  You don't fight much with you little sister but you sure like to get under the skin of your older sister {and vise versa}.  Sometimes it's a battle and I tell myself that you're just going through another "stage", and that it'll see itself through eventually.  I know it will.

dear baby z: my love for you is so big, i can't even describe the feeling

Dear Baby Z,

Where do I even start?  Not only am I in complete denial that my baby girl is growing up before my very eyes but last week, at 17 months, you gained the long awaited confidence to let go of the sofa {or chair or table} and try to walk towards another object - all by yourself!  You're also toying with the idea of standing by yourself without holding onto anything and you love using your big brother's old walker!  Just watching you discover your balance and newfound freedom is so entertaining!

In addition to your exciting milestone, I love that your personality is blossoming every single day.  I see a lot of your siblings in you:  from your sense of humour in being able to find every single situation funny, to your patience in trying to figure things out {this trait is one you definitely share with your brother}.  You also have a calm air around you {which your brother used to have and then he turned two...} and your smile is just so darn infectious.  I love that you fling yourself onto your back as soon as I sit you down on our bed and that you'll try anything that's edible {or not edible - we need to work on that one}.

dear baby z: where did time go?

Dear Baby Z,

It's like it happened all of a sudden.  One day you were a baby - babbling, crawling {or shuffling} and needing assistance in all aspects of your life - and then the next, you were an actual person - talking, pulling yourself up to a standing position and cruising along furniture, and climbing up on benches where you now prefer to eat your meals {no more high chairs for you!}.

Okay, you were always an actual person but all these things happened within a week and it made me miss my little baby!  But it also made me extremely proud that my baby was growing up.

No more high chairs!

dear lil j: happy birthday, my four year old!

Dear Lil J,

Today Yesterday Four days ago you turned four. FOUR!!  Like, how could this be even remotely possible?  It seems like yesterday that I was meeting you for the first time, in awe of how little and real you were.  How I couldn't believe that I grew you for nine months and that you came out of me. And now you are mine! 

While that last part probably makes me sound like an overprotective, overbearing crazy mother {Daddy's the overprotective one. I'm probably the other two}, I just can't imagine life without you. I can't imagine not feeling the joy I feel every morning when I see your smile and feel your kisses on my cheeks. I wouldn't want to know how quiet the house would be without you stomping up and down the hallway screaming and laughing {as everyone here knows, your laugh is quite infectious}. And as much as I dread the bedtime routine some nights {and the way you love to fight it}, you always have a way of making me happy and making me feel guilty for feeling that way in the first place. Then I just wish you would wake up and cuddle with me just one more time. 

Your birthday was a little emotional for me this year. I kept reminding you all throughout the morning that you were still three until exactly 10:35am. There was no way you were going to be four before that.  Mommy just wasn't ready for it.

Happy 1st Birthday Baby Z!

Dear Baby Z,

It's hard to believe that a year has gone by since I first held you in my arms.  I remember the exact moment the doctor put you on my chest and how surprised I was that you were a girl!  Your Daddy and I decided to wait until you were born to see if you were a boy or a girl and you were the best surprise I've had in a long time!  I will never forget the second I laid my eyes on you and saw absolute perfection - you face, your arms, your fingers and toes, and your tiny little body.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to experience it all over again and then I look at you now, and love the little person you've become.

dear lil j: you're almost four!

Dear Lil J,

I can't believe in two short months you will be FOUR!  Seriously, where did the time go?  As we were putting you to bed tonight, I looked at you as Daddy held you and you looked so long.  So big.  It makes me want to turn back time yet I'm so excited to see what the coming years will bring.

Today I kind of took a blackmail picture of you.  It's a picture that'll definitely be on your wedding slideshow one day {I have a lot of those, by the way}.  Basically, I'm making your baby sister a tutu and you sort of modeled it for me.  It's taking all of my strength not to post the picture here - my Instagram might not be as forgiving.

Did I mention I might possibly have a video too?

You better do what Mommy says or else...

All kidding aside {for now}, you sure are testing both Daddy and I.  You're pressing every last button you can think of and pushing the annoyance envelope to oblivion but, at the same time, you make us laugh so hard we want to cry.  I guess right now you're trying to see where you can overstep your boundaries and figure out which parent you can play in different situations.  Don't worry - we're onto you.  Well, sort of.

You also know how to write your first name and type your first and last name on the computer {Daddy taught you that one!}.  You know how to count up to at least thirty, if not more, and you love tearing up the gym at your gymnastics class.

I'm already planning your fourth birthday party!  I have so many things swirling in my head it may explode.  I blame my Pinterest addiction.  All of this planning and preparation is so worth it when I hear you say these exact words, "You did this for me Mama?  Oh, thank you!  That's so nice of you.  You're my best friend!".  End quote.

Ah, you sure know how to work a girl's heart.  I just hope my heart is the only girl's heart you work until you're at least, say, 30ish.

Wishful thinking.

Love you like green eggs and ham,
Mommy

dear baby z: happy nine months!

I meant to post this two days ago, on February 22nd, but motherhood got the best of me.  Here's a love letter to my beautiful baby girl...


Dear Baby Z,

Today you're nine months old!  I'm sorry my letters to you have been so infrequent but our daily lives have been extremely busy that by the time you and your brother are in bed, I'm either passed out too or on the couch curled up with a full glass of wine.  You'll understand when you're older!

dear baby z: 4 months & growing! #loveletters

Dear Baby Z,

You're just over four months old now and, unfortunately, just caught your first cold.  It's been a few days of stuffy, runny noses but overall you've been coping really good.  Instead of sleeping through the night, you'll wake up once or twice for a quick feed and then you fall right back into a deep slumber.  I don't mind at all - it's probably because you're feeling under the weather.

Sleeping Beauty

We've had a busy month!  Your brother started preschool in September so we've been busy shuttling him back and forth as well as going to his gymnastics, soccer and floor hockey classes.  You're pretty much a pro at all of this and take everything in stride.  A couple days ago we watched your brother at his gymnastics class for an hour and you spent a good 40 minutes in my lap, happily sucking on your hands and "talking" away {yup, you're a hand sucker!}.  I've noticed that you're drooling a lot more and wonder if it's due to teething or if you're just getting excited to see me.  I hope it's the latter...

You also make these crazy grunting noises - super cute but also sort of scary sounding.  Seems like you leave those grunts when you're trying to talk to your older sister and brother.  They seriously cannot get enough of you!

I tried putting you in your Bumbo seat today but I think it was a little too much for you.  I'm thinking that by the end of the month your neck should be stronger and the Bumbo will become Mommy's your best friend.

I'm trying to cherish all these small moments and trying not to panic that you are already four months.  That means in two months you'll be eating solids.  I almost want to cry.

We're also gearing up for October birthdays {your daddy, aunt, uncles and Gong Gong} and...Hallowe'en!  Can't wait to see what month #4 brings!

Love,
Mommy

to my hubby

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and  in honour of it, I wrote a love letter to Lil J.  This morning it hit me that I had forgotten to write a post to my husband or at least included him in Lil J's post.  After all, he is my other Valentine!

We've been together for a solid 7 1/2 years and married for almost 3.  We met {dare I even say?} at a local club and at the time I wasn't looking for a relationship.  I was a young 21 year old just looking to have fun.  I mean, who goes to a club looking for a serious relationship?  All things said, it took my now hubby over 30 minutes past closing time to score my number {after much begging}.  After all I didn't give my number out to random guys.  And as the story goes, the rest is history......

Us in Vegas - 2007

Over the years we have taken many trips together - to LA, Vegas, Jamaica, Austria, Germany...just to name a few - and are now going on trips with our soon-to-be expanding family.  Next stop is Disneyland!  We were married on May 18, 2009 in a very private ceremony a month before Lil J was born.  It was my hubby's wish that we get married before the baby arrived.  I could have gone the non-traditional route but thought it was sweet that G was being more traditional.  So I just went with the flow.

On June 24, 2009 our lives changed forever.  We welcomed our first child together....our sweet Lil J.

Lil J

And now we are expecting our second child in early June 2012!  Big sister Miss S is super excited and hopes it will be a girl.  G and I just hope the baby is healthy {so cliche but so true}.

Here is my love letter to my hubby:

To my hubby:

As I browsed Valentine's cards yesterday, I came across some mushy, lovey-dovey sayings and immediately thought, 'that is so NOT us!'.  I look back at the years we've spent together and although it sounds long, 7 1/2 years have flown by like I would have never imagined.  I have never laughed more or felt more comfortable and at ease with someone than I do with you.  I love that we don't plan the immediate future {even though sometimes we should} and that we are always spontaneous and go with the flow.  Life shouldn't be about planning every minute of every day.  Even despite our 13 year age difference {which I never see}, we have always been on the exact same wavelength from day one.  I could say our relationship is near-perfect but nothing in life is perfect.  Sometimes Every day I nag you for one thing or another - whether it's your procrastinating ways, the balls of used paper towels all over the kitchen {the garbage is not that far away!}, dishes in the sink, etc. etc. - and I know I can be annoying, but you always say 'yes hunny' {probably while tuning me out} and take everything in stride.  Even your imperfections are perfect.

The love you have for our children is what I cherish the most.  I witnessed this first-hand when we first started dating and you were fighting to get your daughter back after she was wrongfully brought to another country.  I saw how extremely hard it was on you emotionally and knew I would never be able to fill that void.  I accepted that I would always be second in your life and I understand this even more ever since Lil J was born.  I couldn't ask for a better father for my children and I have no doubt that you will always be there for them.  They are unbelievably lucky.

I thank you for everything that you've given me.  I love you more and more every day.  And as evident from your Valentine's card yesterday, you know me all too well :)

Valentine's 2012

Love, 
Your Wife

dear lil j: my crush

Dear Lil J,

I'm sorry if I got frustrated with you easily tonight.  It seems that after a long week of work, my sleep deprived mind only shuts on the "adult" part of my brain and I forget that you are just a kid trying to figure things out.  It must be frustrating for you when you're trying to tell me something and I don't quite understand what you're saying, and can't help you right away.  I always kick myself {not literally!} when I realize how silly I'm acting in the moment.  And, I always feel guilty in the few seconds after I get frustrated.

Take tonight for instance.  Mommy was super tired {and still am} and all she wanted to do was sleep.  All you wanted to do was talk and jump around the bed.  When I turned off the light, you got mad.  When I turned it on, you wanted your milk.  When I gave you your milk, you started bawling and screaming some incomprehensive word over and over again.  I couldn't understand you so I turned off the lights.  Then we went through the cycle again and I still couldn't understand you.  Finally, I listened harder as you gestured to your sippy cup that you wanted me to unscrew the lid or "open" it.  But why didn't you just tell me "open" in the first place?  It's one of the words you use frequently and you know the meaning of it.  Then I looked at the time and realized that it was way past your bedtime and you were probably just as overtired as I was.

When you were done your milk, you told me "light off".  I turned the light off and you crawled on top of me and we hugged and kissed {with sound effects}.  This made you giggle {and made Mommy feel so guilty for being frustrated} so I did it again.  Then you joined in with your own sound effects as we both squeezed each other and yelled "Mmmmmmmmmm".  Every time we squeezed each other, we burst out in crazy giggles and laughter.  It was so contagious.  You made me feel like a kid again.  Then I told you I loved you.  And you said:

"Luhl luu too too Mama nigh nigh"

Which means "Love you too too Mama.  Night night!".  And I got soooooo giddy like a first crush.  You totally made my night and the bedtime struggle was all worth it.

And to top it off, I decided to put you in your crib while you were still awake and you put yourself to sleep with no screaming, no crying.  Yay baby!!

Sweet dreams babydoll.

Love you lots,
Mommy

dear lil j: a look into your future career

22 Months and 25 Days

Dear Lil J,

I wish I took a picture at the mayhem you caused this weekend.  On Saturday, I left you for less than a minute so I could grab my laptop from my room and you had taken 4 keys off your Daddy's laptop!  Daddy wasn't too happy but he did sure punish Mommy the next day when Mommy was in the washroom getting ready.  I came out to find that over half of the keys on MY laptop have been removed by you with a FORK.  Daddy was pretending to nap on the couch.  Nice.

You are all about technology.  Anything with a plug or remotely electronic - you will touch and play with for hours.  A number of people think you're going to be an engineer or work in IT or somewhere in the field involving computers.  Whatever you do, I will be proud of you.  Whatever you end up doing in your career, I will support you.  People can make their assumptions now - and it's fun to see what other people are thinking about you - but, ultimately, it's up to you to follow your dreams and do what interests you.  Do what makes you happy.  Not what others expect of you.

I wish I had started my blog from the day you were born.  Or while I was pregnant.  But I was new at blogging and I didn't really understand the concept of it.  I am glad, though, that I have started blogging regularly and hope to continue this road so that you can have an idea about what a beautiful soul you are.

I love you so, so much!

Love,
Mommy

- swank|mama

dear lil j

22 Months and 10 Days

Dear Lil J,

Thank you for being the sunshine of the family and making everyone laugh with your beautiful smile in this time of need.  The fact that Gram-Gram has left us has not phased you as you are so sweet and innocent.  You are what is needed for us to find a positive light with this unfortunate situation.  You are helping us heal faster.

I love that you have a smile or mischievious grin for the people that are close to you.  You are a little wary around strangers but warm up to them once you feel comfortable, though Mommy is going to teach you not to talk to strangers.  You are so loveable and people cannot stop smiling when they are around you.  Here is an example of why:

And another:

You looked at a picture of Gram-Gram yesterday and when I asked you who it was you proudly said, "Gram-Gram!". 

In her final months, you could light up Gram-Gram's face like no other.  Even if she was feeling week, she would make the effort to sit up in her bed just so she could see you better.  She smiled and asked for hugs and kisses.  Sometimes you refused but most of the time you gave her lots of love.  Gram-Gram's spirit was instantly gratified :)

I am so proud of your uplifting spirit and the way you can bring a positive out of a negative.  You are also very polite, saying "thank you" after someone gives or does something for you.  That is all I could ask for.  Now we have to work on "no, thank you" instead of just "no".

I love you so so much.

Love,
Mommy

dear lil j

22 Months and 3 Days

Every day you continue to grow before my very eyes and I swallow that lump in my throat and remind myself to live in the moment, to enjoy each and every waking second with you.

This is my first letter to you and I hope to make it a priority to write you frequently.  I wish I had taken the time to write you from the day you were born but life just got too busy.

You have started your clingy phase.  Most of the time I think it's cute that you want Mommy all the time but sometimes I wish you would give Mommy a break!  Of course I feel guilty when I think that, so I pick you up and squeeze you and give you the biggest hug ever!!  You only want what you know and what feels familiar to you.  I don't blame you.

Your sister is absolutely in love with you!  She always tries to hug and kiss you but half the time you scream, "NO!!" and shake your head.  I think you are just showing typical sibling behaviour and because you cannot fully express what you are feeling through words, you just get frustrated when your sister invades your personal space.  The same goes with your Uncle JJ and cousins.

I think the biggest milestone in the past day (yes your milestones come day by day and I think that is amazing!) is the fact that you are putting two or more words together - trying your best to form a sentence!  I never thought I'd get so excited about someone putting two words together (that finally make sense!).  The other day you turned to me and said, "Eat food".

Your favourite word is "No".

I wonder where you learned that from.

Don't worry, Mama doesn't mind.

Right now I can't help but think of your gorgeous face and sparkling smile.  In fact, I think about you probably 1,000,000,000,000 times a day (times infinity)!  I cannot wait to come home to you!

I love you with all my heart and there is no other place I'd rather be than with you.

Sounds corny, but it's true.

You are my life.

Love,
Mommy

-swank|mama