i did a bad, bad thing

A few days ago I did something real bad.  I blamed my son for something he didn't do and I punished him.

He was so upset, he thew himself to the ground in a corner and cried.  All of this happened within 5 minutes and I have never felt so bad in my entire life.  Bad, bad Mommy.

It all started when I went into the kitchen and smelled a funny citrus-y scent.  I looked down on the ground to find a trail of liquid that looked like pee but smelled lemon-y.  I asked Lil J why he spilled the liquid and asked him if it was the lemon concentrate in the fridge.  He said yes and then I asked him again why he would do such a thing.  He told me that it was his sister, Miss S, which would be virtually impossible since she was gone for the weekend.  Then he said it was Daddy, which was also impossible because he was still sleeping.

I could feel some anger boiling up inside me - half because he was lying once again and half because I was cleaning up yet another never-ending liquid mess.  Half a paper towel roll later, I thought I was finished.  I told Lil J that he was not allowed to watch TV for the rest of the day and hubby came out a few seconds later reinforcing the punishment and adding that the iPad was also off limits.  Two of Lil J's favourite things.  Sad and frustrated, Lil J ran to the living room and buried his face in a corner, sobbing.

While both my hubby and I wondered why a toddler Lil J would do such a thing {surprise!}, I noticed some murky yellow liquid making its way back onto the kitchen floor.  What the heck?  It definitely was the same liquid I had just cleaned up and the culprit definitely wasn't Lil J.  It was me!  I had moved a few things about half an hour beforehand and remembered that we had two Costco-sized, brand-new lemon concentrate bottles on the floor.  Plus they had never been opened before so why was one leaking?

I almost started bawling when I quickly realized it wasn't Lil J who made the mess and I quickly scooped him up and showered him with hugs and kisses.  Squeezing him close, I told him over and over again that I was "so sorry" and that "Mommy made a big mistake.  Mommy did it, not you".

And you know what he said?

"It's okay Mommy".

Talk about making me feel even worse.

This was definitely a lesson learned.  Toddlers know how to express themselves but may not know how to do so properly - even at 3 years old.  They lie, they tell the truth, they make messes and they don't.  And, yes, my son is the ultimate charmer - telling me over and over that "it's okay Mommy".

Heart.  Melting.

diary of a step-mom

I'm having a guilty conscious about being a step-mom.  I've been in my step-daughter's life for almost 6 years now and have always treated her as my own.  I would do anything for her and she and I have always had a really good relationship.  She respects me as an authority figure but also trusts me enough to confide in me.  Although she is getting older, I hope that this will be the way it stays for years to come.

When my son was born 2 and a half years ago, I finally experienced what unconditional love truly is.  There is something special about carrying and growing a baby inside your belly for 9 months and the emotional journey that it takes you through.  And then when you finally get to hold your precious baby in your arms for the first time, you just know - you would die for this child.

Yes, I love my son more than the world itself.  I would chose him over anyone else in this world.  But the thought that I just don't feel the same way about my step-daughter has been making me feel really guilty.  I try and try to push that feeling out in hopes that I'll feel the same way about her but it's just not happening.  I desperately want to be that person that loves a child unconditionally no matter where they came from.  After all, she is my husband's child.  Shouldn't I automatically feel that way even though we are not connected by blood?

I do love my step-daughter.  But it's a different kind of love.  The connection I have with my son is deep because I'm his mom...his birth mother.  I've been there for him since day 1.  With my step-daughter, I came into her life when she was 5.  She already has a mother and I completely respect that which is why I may have set up a barrier of some sort......to ensure that I wasn't overstepping any boundaries.

My step-daughter lives with us full-time.  I have the honour and opportunity of raising her with my husband and I have become a motherly figure to her.  Some days she loves me and some days she's annoyed with me.  I feel bad when it's the latter but I figure that parental units do annoy their children sometimes.  When someone asks me if my step-daughter is my daughter {which is funny because I'm a completely different race than her}, I say yes - mostly because I do consider her my daughter, partly to avoid confusion and partly because I hate the term "step" {even though I'm using it consistently throughout this post!}.

My step-daughter is also the most wonderful sister to her little brother.  She is so loving and caring towards him that I count my lucky stars every day that, despite their 9 1/2 year age difference, they have a special bond that cannot be broken.  When she found out I was expecting her second sibling, she literally jumped for joy and screamed "I'm so happy!!".  That in itself is a sign that I'm doing something right.  I hope....

So why am I feeling so guilty?  I really, really want to feel this love for my step-daughter that I have for my son but I just can't get there.  Maybe it all comes down to the deep emotional connection of your own birth children.  Had I adopted, would the same thing happen?  Do I feel shorted somehow - that I'm such a prominent parent figure in her life, yet all she sees me is her Daddy's wife?  I mean, I've never heard her actually call me her step-mom.  Her mother is barely in her life yet she puts her up on a high pedestal.  Am I jealous of that?  Just a teensy bit?  I know I shouldn't be........

I really don't know the real answer.  It could be a combination of everything and I haven't even posted half of the issues.  Maybe it's just frustration contributed to raising children.  Maybe it's just parenthood.

Miss S:  If you ever read this, please know that I do love you and I am using this post as an outlet to express some feelings that I need to release.  I am so happy that you are in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world!  You are a treasure and I am truly grateful to call you my daughter.
 

mommy guilt

Being a mom is hard enough.  Being a working mom is even harder.  I have it pretty easy in terms of having hassle-free childcare {my mother-in-law} and a husband who has flexible work hours.  Not to mention, my brother just moved into our basement suite {another built-in} and my parents are just a phone call away on Mondays and Tuesdays {sometimes}.  But I feel guilty.  Guilty that I'm not with Lil J during the day and watching him hit his milestones.  Guilty that I'm burdening my mother-in-law even though she insists that we're not and gets mad at me when I ask her if she needs a break.  Guilty when I have to call my brother to watch Lil J {and Miss S, if it's summer} in the mornings when we're stuck.  Especially since my brother works the graveyard shift!  Guilty when I have to call my dad to see if he can watch Lil J on his days off.  Just one big guilt-trip.

So now we're looking into daycares that will take Lil J for approximately a month while my mother-in-law goes away on {a much needed} vacation.   Which is super stressful since most daycares won't take kids on a month-to-month basis.  It's got me thinking that it might not be a bad idea for Lil J to be in daycare and be around other kids - even if it's just part-time.  At least my mother-in-law will get a break.

My only fear is that Lil J won't get the attention, care, and love that he gets from his family.  Maybe they'll feed him sweets and junk food.  Maybe they won't change his diapers for hours.  Maybe they might be verbally abusive.  All of those thoughts are swarming around my head constantly.  Honestly, I would leave work today if I could.

So here we go...total mom guilt trip #298476.  It's never ending, isn't it?

tales of mom guilt...

While I'm at work today, my husband is at home spending quality time with Lil J.  I just got off the phone with them with Lil J trying to carry on a conversation with me consisting of mixed "mommy?", "bye bye" and "luh loo's (love you)".  Now I'm left wondering what I'm missing while I'm stuck here in the office on a gorgeous, hot summer day.

It's great that Lil J and Daddy can have some one-on-one time together, some male bonding time.  But I could be out with them at the beach or park enjoying some fun family time.  Am I missing out?

I keep trying to tell myself over and over again that it's good for Lil J to be without Mommy for a while.  So he can become his own.  Find his personality and explore life outside of Mommy's arms.  So far, so good......

But for Mommy the guilt is still there.  Not sure if it will ever go away and if it is just a "mom thing".  For now, I'm telling myself that I am working for Lil J so that he can have a blessed and fortunate life.  So that he can enjoy life as a kid, explore different things, and have many opportunities.  Telling myself this keeps me going.  Keeps my drive as a mom to better herself for her kids going.

I have dreams.  I have goals.  And my family is all part of it.