the in's and out's of #2

As a mom we get to do a lot of fun, silly things.  Like singing songs in off-pitch tones at the top of our lungs to making farting noises and having someone laugh at you because it's the most hilarious thing in the world.

But we also get to do the grossest things.  Things you would have never thought you'd do or touch before life with kids.  For example:  cleaning up spit-up projectiles and wiping up poop five times a day.  Don't get me wrong - I'm pretty used to changing frequent diapers and while I do it quite willingly, there is something that completely grosses me out now:

Lil J's poop in the potty.

Not to mention, Lil J's poop in his 'big boy' underwear.  Those are just 'accidents' - apparently.

As you may know, I'm currently potty training Lil J.  He knows the concept of the potty and will now only go if he has his 'big boy' underwear on.  If he is wearing his 'Easy-Ups', forget it!  This kid is just too smart for his own good.

He's had a couple of accidents involving #2 in his underwear - once with me and once with Daddy.  The first time it happened with me, I had no idea what to do.  I told my husband later and he said, "You wanted to throw the underwear out, didn't you?".  This man knows me way too well.  Sure it was my initial thought.  But underwear isn't cheap!  So I sucked it up and grabbed a paper towel and scooped my way out of there.  Yuck!

I've noticed Lil J getting a little embarrassed lately when he goes #2 in his 'Easy-Ups'.  He'll hide in the corner and is extremely quiet.  If this boy is quiet, you know something is up!  Yesterday, he went on the potty three separate times after he went pee but didn't do anything.  Finally, he went #2 and get this:  it was just before I was ready to jump in the shower and Miss S or my husband started banging loudly on the bathroom door and I heard cheers {yay, Lil J, yay!!} and my husband was like, "Give the potty to Mommy!  She'll clean it  up!!".  Haha.  One look inside and I was completely grossed out.  It's like cleaning up after an adult, seriously!

All gross things aside, I am super proud that Lil J knows the concept of using the potty.  I'm also kind of scared to fully put him in underwear - all day long.  I've only been doing it at night which is probably not consistent enough.  I'm not looking forward to future messes and soiled clothes.  But this is a part of growing up, no?  I will suck it up because I cannot wait until the day Lil J is fully potty trained!!

Oh and I wish I could post some cute pictures of Lil J on the potty but I just don't want to 'embarrass' him quite yet.

the journey 2.0: almost halfway & lil j's birth story

Week 19

It's hard to believe that I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy!  So much has been going through my mind in the past week:  have to get organized, clean up the house, fix up the house, paint all the rooms, buy new furniture, think of baby names and share with husband this time...........how the f**k am I going to deliver this baby?

You may or may not know {and I don't think I've ever blogged about this} but I had an emergency c-section with Lil J.  Definitely not my choice of delivery - I was actually really against c-sections - but as it turns out, it was my only choice of delivery.

I had gone into the hospital for a routine ultrasound at 7am in the morning.  Things weren't looking 100% to the technician and she advised that I discuss it with my OB.  Luckily, I had an appointment scheduled right after the ultrasound with my OB as she was on-call at the hospital that day.  From the time I left the ultrasound office to the time I got to the maternity ward, my OB had apparently decided that I would give birth that day - no negotiations.

The ultrasound had shown that I had lost a significant amount of amniotic fluid.  I was only a day past my due date and I thought it was crazy because I had done so much reading on pregnancy and birth that I thought I knew everything!  Of course I didn't.  One website said to track baby's movements in the last weeks of pregnancy.  I remember I didn't feel much movement two days before but I felt a lot of movement the day before so I didn't really question it {as I'm typing this I just felt baby #2 move!}.  I thought I was just going in for a routine check-up and ultrasound and I'd be on my merry way.  I even had plans to go to Toys 'R Us and return a few items and then meet up with a fellow expecting mama for coffee. 

Things did not go as planned.

My birth plan:  out the window.

My husband:  not answering his phone.

My dad, mother and brother:  not answering their phones.

My car:  parked on the street at a meter.  My OB and nurses advised that I could not leave the hospital to move it.

My mother-in-law:  well, she was right!  She told my husband to go with me to my appointments, just in case.  But we weren't hearing her...we said that I'd be fine.  What were we thinking - not listening to a very experienced mother and grandmother?

My husband:  still not answering his phone.  Where the f**k is he?

The nurses are ushering me to my private room, quickly getting me into a bed.  "C-sections, induction, possible, emergency".  Those are the words I heard.  It was kind of a blur.  It felt so surreal.  I started shaking...more like shivering.  I was so cold all of a sudden.  My whole body was shaking.  I asked the nurse for a blanket.  Then more blankets.  Nothing helped.  I guess I was in a state of shock.  I thought I was actually going to go through labour....then at least I would know that it would be happening sometime soon.

They attached me to a monitor to check baby's heart rate.  It had stabilized so they decided to induce me.  The nurses told me it could take up to 2 hours for the contractions to start.  Apparently I started having contractions but I didn't feel anything.  My OB came into my room to give me a pep talk.  She was about to perform an emergency c-section on another patient and she'd be back right afterwards.

Finally, a familiar face showed up - my sister-in-law.  And then my husband followed a couple minutes later.  I had finally got ahold of him and he had to rush back home to get my suitcase.  The doctors told my sister-in-law that it would be at least a couple more hours and that she could go home and come back.

10 minutes later.......a rush of doctors and nurses filled my room in a state of panic.  The monitor had shown that baby's heart rate was rapidly decreasing to 50 beats per minute.  The baby had to come out now.  I was given something to drink and rushed off to the OR.  I was shivering uncontrollably at this time but surprisingly calm.  My husband was given a hospital gown to change into and then he was told to wait.  The doctors told me they would be putting me under and that I would be "falling asleep" soon.  The next thing I knew, a doctor was putting pressure on my neck and then I was out like a light.

Unfortunately, my husband wasn't present for Lil J's birth.  Everything just happened too quickly.

I woke up about 45 minutes later {apparently} and I felt a nurse lift me up and saying, "We're just going to take an x-ray of you to make sure they didn't leave anything inside of you".  Very reassuring.  But at that point, and the state I was in, I just didn't care.  A doctor came over and said congratulations and asked me if I had a boy or girl.  I had no idea.  The nurse told me I had a boy.  A beautiful, healthy baby boy.  My hubby was quickly by my side with a huge grin on his face.  Right then, I knew everything was okay.  He asked me what I wanted to name our son.  I knew he had a name picked out and he had already told everyone about it, but I wasn't really feeling it.  I told him Lil J {not his real name, obviously!} - after my brother and my dad.........let's just squish their names together!  And he agreed and our baby boy was Lil J!

I was then wheeled into my 'delivery' room and my whole family was there with Lil J.  Wow.  So sweet and tiny and beautiful.  Of course, I was heavily drugged and the whole day was a blur but I finally had my little angel.  No words can describe those moments.

Somehow this post has turned into Lil J's birth story.  I guess it's because I'm feeling a little anxious this time around because I am so adamant about having a VBAC {vaginal birth after a c-section} and no c-section.  Call me crazy but I want to be able to experience birth....the contractions and the whole nine yards {I might be saying something different when it actually happens!}.  And because I never actually went through labour or felt my contractions with Lil J, I am.....well....terrified!!!  But I'm also super excited.  Beyond.  I was just adding items to my baby registry and I couldn't get over how giddy I was feeling.  I'm so ready for this and slightly sad that my pregnancy is already halfway done.  But I am SO excited to meet this little one!

the journey 2.0: breezing though

Week 18

So far this pregnancy has been a breeze {crossing my fingers!} just like my pregnancy with Lil J.  Save for the month or two of slight nausea while driving, I really can't complain.  I felt like the first 3 months went by really slowly because I was just so excited to tell everyone that I was expecting again.  Once we did, and the holiday season came and went, the days seem to be flying by!  It's kind of scary to think that in approximately 5 months, we'll have another precious being in our lives.

I'm not sure if this is what nesting is because I didn't really experience it with Lil J but I've been starting to clean the house, little by little.  I have also started coming up with projects in my mind - stuff that I would like to get done before baby #2 arrives.  My mind is constantly churning with project ideas....

Some days I am constantly hungry - nothing I eat fills me up - while other days, I'm able to eat like normal.  Today is not one of those normal days.  And I don't mind at all...I just love food too much!

We're not finding out what the sex is until the big day.  This makes me super excited but also super anxious.  In  a way I want to know because if it's a boy, I can sit back and relax - I have all the clothes and gear already.  On the other hand, if it's a girl...well....I'll be shopping for a lot of dresses and tutus in the days after her arrival!  But I really don't want to know because as many people say, there are few surprises in life and I think this one should be one of them......for myself and my husband anyways.  5 more months!!

While I am trying to focus on this pregnancy, it's definitely not all I have on my mind.  I have two birthday parties in the next few months to plan plus plans to fix up and organize our house before the big day.  Did I mention I also want a sewing machine?  That could be just a phase but.......

diary of a step-mom

I'm having a guilty conscious about being a step-mom.  I've been in my step-daughter's life for almost 6 years now and have always treated her as my own.  I would do anything for her and she and I have always had a really good relationship.  She respects me as an authority figure but also trusts me enough to confide in me.  Although she is getting older, I hope that this will be the way it stays for years to come.

When my son was born 2 and a half years ago, I finally experienced what unconditional love truly is.  There is something special about carrying and growing a baby inside your belly for 9 months and the emotional journey that it takes you through.  And then when you finally get to hold your precious baby in your arms for the first time, you just know - you would die for this child.

Yes, I love my son more than the world itself.  I would chose him over anyone else in this world.  But the thought that I just don't feel the same way about my step-daughter has been making me feel really guilty.  I try and try to push that feeling out in hopes that I'll feel the same way about her but it's just not happening.  I desperately want to be that person that loves a child unconditionally no matter where they came from.  After all, she is my husband's child.  Shouldn't I automatically feel that way even though we are not connected by blood?

I do love my step-daughter.  But it's a different kind of love.  The connection I have with my son is deep because I'm his mom...his birth mother.  I've been there for him since day 1.  With my step-daughter, I came into her life when she was 5.  She already has a mother and I completely respect that which is why I may have set up a barrier of some sort......to ensure that I wasn't overstepping any boundaries.

My step-daughter lives with us full-time.  I have the honour and opportunity of raising her with my husband and I have become a motherly figure to her.  Some days she loves me and some days she's annoyed with me.  I feel bad when it's the latter but I figure that parental units do annoy their children sometimes.  When someone asks me if my step-daughter is my daughter {which is funny because I'm a completely different race than her}, I say yes - mostly because I do consider her my daughter, partly to avoid confusion and partly because I hate the term "step" {even though I'm using it consistently throughout this post!}.

My step-daughter is also the most wonderful sister to her little brother.  She is so loving and caring towards him that I count my lucky stars every day that, despite their 9 1/2 year age difference, they have a special bond that cannot be broken.  When she found out I was expecting her second sibling, she literally jumped for joy and screamed "I'm so happy!!".  That in itself is a sign that I'm doing something right.  I hope....

So why am I feeling so guilty?  I really, really want to feel this love for my step-daughter that I have for my son but I just can't get there.  Maybe it all comes down to the deep emotional connection of your own birth children.  Had I adopted, would the same thing happen?  Do I feel shorted somehow - that I'm such a prominent parent figure in her life, yet all she sees me is her Daddy's wife?  I mean, I've never heard her actually call me her step-mom.  Her mother is barely in her life yet she puts her up on a high pedestal.  Am I jealous of that?  Just a teensy bit?  I know I shouldn't be........

I really don't know the real answer.  It could be a combination of everything and I haven't even posted half of the issues.  Maybe it's just frustration contributed to raising children.  Maybe it's just parenthood.

Miss S:  If you ever read this, please know that I do love you and I am using this post as an outlet to express some feelings that I need to release.  I am so happy that you are in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world!  You are a treasure and I am truly grateful to call you my daughter.
 

back to the grind

Happy New Year!!

I hope everyone had a fabulous and safe holiday.  And now we are back to the grind, recovering from turkey comas and long credit card bills.

Whenever my husband and I are on holidays for a week or more, we tend to throw off our sleep schedule.  That being said, it also throws off Lil J's sleep schedule.  Yes, I am guilty.  I'm that bad parent that lets her 2 1/2 year old stay up until 11:00pm, midnight....

This morning we were back to our usual schedule:  daycare for Lil J and work for Mommy and Daddy.  Unfortunately, due to the disruption to our sleep schedule, Lil J did not fall asleep until about 12:30AM last night {or early this morning to be technical} and I had to wake him up at 7:00am this morning.  He was not a happy camper.  And, boy, did I ever feel guilty.

Once we got to daycare, I think the early morning was such a shock to his system that he didn't cry...didn't even utter a word.  He got a little emotional as I left but his teacher quickly swooped him into her arms and off I went...looking back twice for a final goodbye....only to have Lil J completely ignore me {a punishment for me leaving him}.

We're definitely going to make sure that Lil J is on track with his schedule the next time hubby and I decide to take a few days off.  Torturing the poor sleep-deprived kid is definitely not worth it.